BabyStarr

How Can You?

If I slit my wrists
Or I slit my throat
Would you even care?
You tell me you love me
You tell me you care
You call me your daughter
But you treat me like shit
Why?
Because I’m gay?
Because I’m in love with a woman?
You speak of gods love…
Why don’t you show it?
You cast me aside
Tell me how I’m living in sin
How I’m living wrong
How I should know better
When all I am doing
Is being me
Is being true to myself
Why can’t you accept that?
Why can’t you love me for me?
Why must you hate the person I am?
I see the shame in your eyes
I see the disappointment
The disgust
You act one way at one moment
And then turn on me in the next
How can you tell me you love me…
When you’re condemning me to hell
If god is love
And what I am doing is loving someone
Even if they’re the same sex
How can I be in sin?
How can I be condemned?
How can being true to myself a sin?
How can you tell me you love me…
When you treat me this way?
Is this your twisted version of love?
Love just the parts of me that you think are right
And hate everything else?
You raised me
And yet you still hate who I am
Who I choose to be
Who am I hurting…
By being me
It hurts
Knowing I can never introduce you
To the woman I love
The woman that makes me happy
The woman I want to marry
And want to have a family with
It’s sad
Knowing that you will never meet my kids
That I can never tell my kids...
“Lets go visit grandma”
How I have to miss all the holidays
Because I wont leave my wife behind
Because I can’t be me
Around my family
It hurts
Knowing the people that raised me
The people that are supposed to love me
No matter what
Will miss out on the important parts of my life
Because of hate
Because of discrimination
Because of a lack of understanding
How can you say you love me?
When you make me feel this way
How can you say you care?
When you treat me this way
How can you?

Heather Brooke Martinez
April 6, 2006

Well its time for anouther update cause yea a good amount of shit has happend!!!

1) I GOT A JOB!!! WOOOO!!! PIZZA HUT HIRED ME!!!!! All im waiting for is for the call to set up a time for my orentation!!!

2) I got my hair cut!!! WOOO FAUX HAWK FOR ME!!!

3) Still With my girlfriend and everything is going great with that!!!

5) Still looking at apartments...i'll be moving out hopefully with my friend in june or early july!

6) Me and my girl are celebrating our birthdays together so that will be sweet!!

7) I got a new shirt but i still need more clothes...i have no good clothes so i need more.

9) Im getting my first tatt round my b-day ^.^

8) I still need to get my lip pierced...so yea...i need to do that as well...

Ummm i think thats it..if not i will add to this later ^.^ teehee... Life is wonderful right now and i am enjoying every min of it!

Life is good...life is really really good..no great..no wonderful...amazing....WOW!!! I have met the most wonderful, incredable, beautiful, amazing...omg there are no words that could really describe her..shes just wow...Im sooo in love..and the best part shes in love with me too... Were in love...omg never in ly life did i imagin i would ever be this in love and this happy..i cant even describe how happy i am... god im with her and i just get high off her sent... i get drunk off just being around her... Damn...im sooo in love... I fall in love with her more each and every day...i find something new to make me love her more more each day... When im with her i feel home... there is no place i would rather be then with her.....i love having her in my arms and holding her close.... im in love with the most amazing woman in the entire universe... Me.. In love... OMG!!! Damn... wow ... im soooo in love... EEEEE!!!!!! I love her and she loves me!!! AHHHH

I love my Angie Bear

c(*˚) + ( *)< = Love 4 Ever!!!

AHHHH YAY LOVE!!!!!

Looke its me with the glasses i have to wear for 3 weeks

SCARY!!!

Ok i thought i would update..i'm in a sling...and my arms hurts like...very very bad..but i'm ok...and the person that was in the car with me is ok too..were both on pain meds...but were doing ok...just thought i would update so you all wouldnt think i was like dead or something...take care all....

I was in a car accident last night at 1:20am....Me and a friend were on our way to taking me home...We didn't even see it till it was right there...anouther accident...She swerved to avoid one car...slamming on her breaks...i could smell the burned rubber as the car tried to stop...but then all of a sudden a body....it was on the floor...we didnt see it till it was too late...we swerved to avoide it...but there was no way we could....we hit anouther car beside it...the car didnt have any lights so we didnt even see it till we hit...my window looked like it exploded...glass flying everywhere...but thats not what i was looking at....i turned my head away just as we were gonna hit the body...not wanting to see it...and all i saw on the window on the side as i turned my head was blood...when we hit the body came out on the left side...blood everywhere...the car finally stopped...and all i could think of was if my friend that was driving was ok...and her the same about me...i was a lil banged up from getting hit on my side and the seatbelt...but other than that i was ok...My friend was freaking out which prevented me doiing so...i tried to calm her down as best i could...i could feel my body shaking...and all i could think of was the body and the blood...we were interviewed by the police...and they got our info...she called her mom...her mom was a bitch...didnt even ask of she was ok...they yelled when she got there...her mom not having the sense to leave her 9 yr old daughter at home..brings her with her...i just pray she didnt see anything...which i know was really unavoidable..i juts hope the body...was coverd...the firedepartment tried to give me the once over to see if i was ok...but i told them i was..i was still in shock...didnt notice later how badly my neck and right arm hurt..my dad finally showed up and i had to crawl outta the passenger side of the car to get out...and i had to sit in my dads car till the officer talked to me a lil more...and then i got to go home....the good that did me...i couldnt sleep...still cant...all i can think about is the accident and what happend...the body...the blood and brain matter on the car...iono really how to feel...because everytime i think about it i cry...i'm still so shaken up...physically....i'm hurt...more sore i think...mentally..iono...i really dont know...My friend is sore that i know of...i havent talked to her since the accident...iono where shes at...i'll call her later...i'm more scared of what was said with her and her mom...her mom...shes a real piece of work...but i wont get into that...not on here atleast....but yea..i umm...gonna go now...i cant stop thinking about it...so i think i'll just post this...and sit here for a bit..maybe try and sleep...kinda scared to...dont know what my dreams will be like...

Have you ever felt like you heart was ripped outta your chest droped on the floor and then stepped on, whail the person steping on it is laughing...yea...well thats how i feel...it hurts really bad...i'm just gonna go curl up into a ball...and cry.

Every had one of those days where you just wish you could curl up and hide...just get away...this is one of those days....i have been crying all day...alone...i just want to be held...told everything will be ok...but i dont think that will happen anytime soon...i keep putting on this happy face...trying to fool everyone...when all i want to do is fall into somoenes arms and cry...be held...told it will be ok...am i not good enough...does it not matter how happy i try to make someone...its just not good enough...am i that worthless...all i want...is to be loved...thats all i want...but i dont think i will get that anytime soon...i think i wll go curl back up and cry more...well...i havent stopped crying...so i guess i'll just wait till i stop..hopefully that happens soon...hard to explain why i'm crying...cause i really dont know why either...i just wish i could be held...

I sometimes wonder what peole think when they look at me. I mean what do they really think? Becuase of the clothes i wear and the rainbow i wear on my wrist, what do they think? Because of the color of my skin, what do they think? Becuase of the way i act or who i look at and who i date...what do they think?

Can people tell i'm gay? I have heard people say...Well you dont walk gay...or you dont talk gay...Ummm do we walk different? Do we have our own language or accent? I'm out...people ask me and i will tell them. I dont hide the fact that i'm gay...I look at women, I flirt with them...I'm as out as i can get without wearing a sign.

And then there are lables...Femm, LSL, Dyke, Stud...I dont think i fall in any of those. I'm in no way a femm...and i'm no dyke...and i sue as hell aint no LSL...So am i a stud? Iono...my cousin says i talk, think and act like a guy...but i dont totally dress like one. I wear baggy cloths, mens jeans and shirts, sport bras, i wear boxers, or boxer briefs. But i dont shave my head or cut it like a guy. I cant...I dont have the face for it. I would look odd. Course that what people tell me Especially my family...

My lil sister kristine is embaressed by the fact that i'm gay...My brother Michael hates it but wont say anything. My sister Jackie doesn't agree with it but loves me anyway and doesnt say anything...hell she tells her frineds i'm gay. But my main support is my cousin Rachel...I dont know what i would do without her. My whole family is christian,,,The hathe that i'm gay. It sucks...cause they will never be happy for me when i meet the woman i'm going to spend the rest of my life with. They wont be at the wedding...the wont be there when we have kids...or for christmas...or anything like that. It really sucks...

Family is a big thing to me...I want my own...but i dont want to lose the one i already have. But i wanna be happy and i want a family of my own. It's going to be hard and i know this. I know once i leave i cant come back. So that makes it hard. But i want to be happy...I want to find that women i am ment to spend the rest of my life with...I want a family...I just hope my blood family will be there too...This is about my happiness not theres...

Right now i have no one...yea i got my eye on a few girls...And i i would get with one of em...I want a girlfriend...i want to be ain a relationship... Rachel is the sweetest...I know i could get sprung on her...Nikkie...shes sweet too...lives 5 mins from me and goes to my school...both love affection...Rachel loves to read...Nikkie loves scary movies. I have the hugest crush on my Jan Jan...And if i had the chance would date her...But shes far away...and is younger...But i really like her..Jan Jan wants to kiss me and i want to kiss her...shes got a crush on me too...Rachel wants to go out with me and Nikkie wants to go to the movies with me..and they all wanna cuddle with me. *sighs* Then there Sophie...I think with her its more lust then anything else...She seems very sexual...And i ain't all about sex...so iono...iono what will happen there. I think my best chances are with either Rachel or Nikkie...And the min. i know i'll stop talking to other girls..then after that when where ready ask her to be my girl...

When i'm with someone i'm with them fully...I dont talk to other women...I tell everyone i have a girl. I'm faithful and i give my all...I'm a romantic...i'm sweet...I think i would make a great girlfriend...I would take care of my girl...do things for her just because..do whatever i could to make her happy...but thats just me...I dont know how some women feel about that...sometimes i feel like girls dont want someone like that...I'm sensitive...even though i wont admit to it...i wear my heart on my sleeve...

I know how to treat a girl right...i'm just hopping to find a girl that will appreacet that...and love me for who i am...in return i'll do the same and so much more...I wanna be loved and i wanna share my love. All i want is to be happy and to make someone else happy...Is there something wrong with me that i cant get a girlfriend or keep a relationship? I know if given the chance i could love someone with my whole heart and soul...love them with all that i have...Give all of me...Even if its not with Rachel or Nikkie or Jan Jan...I know i could make a women happy...If i'm just given the chance...

I don't really know whats wrong with me...i miss having a gf..i miss having someone there...i talked to my ex..and iono..i miss her...my first ex i mean....she was my first love so those feelings will always be there....iono...i cant look at anything from our relationship cause it hurts so much...theres still the sting there...were friends though and we talk...so were cool...and i know there will never be anything there but friendship....i'm no longer in love with her but i havent been for awhile now...i'm not inlove with anyone...i love many people...but iono...i guess...iono...i know i could fall if i let myself...but i just wont....when i do it will be with the right person...i'm not really dating...thers only a couple girls that have caught my atention..one lives a lil far the other really close...and iono...i'm not jumping into a relationship with anyone...i cant...i wanna date and wait...i wanna do things right...anyway...iono..i felt like writing and now i don't so i will let you all go now...well those of you that even read this...ttyal

Love Peace And Hair Grease

I'm still sick but i'm getting better...so umm yea..i decided to take a pic of me sick and showing how badly i need a hair cute -_- this is sad i look bad...scary!!!

But yea thats me sick and needing a haircut...hehe...anyhoo....i hope i get better soon causei hate being sick..i feel a but better so i should be ok on sunday and i have to be better by monday cause of school i missed a week..scary when i go back cause of art class..but anywoo..ttyl!!!

LOVE PEACE AND HAIR GREASE!!!

P.S Always member

EEEEEEP...i is sick...hopefull i'll be better by this weekend just so i dont have to be stuck in the house..i have been stuck in here since monday...missed school and everything...i hate youth but u would love to go just to get outta the house...but i know that aint gonna happen...my cousin has been comming over everyday just to check on me...she even brought me pizza last night ^_^ hope theres some left i is hungry...anyhoo....i love you my friends..hopefull i'll be beter soon..and hopefully you are all doing well...

PEACE!

My moods keep chaning...but most of the time i feel really down...i got about 3 people at the moment thta can make me smile...no i'm not caught up on past shit...nor some of the recent shit...I just have been flip fliping in my moods as of late...well no not even as of late...this has been something that has been going on for a bit...i dont know why...suddenly i'm really upset and i dont even know why... get angry and i dont know why...wanna cry and dont know why...all these emotions and i never know why...i know why i get happy...i know my resons for that...and maybe sometimes with the bad feelings...but i could just besitting here and all of a sudden i wanna cry and i have no reason to and i dont know why...and no its not pms or my time of the month...

School is stressingme out...more then i thought it would...i mean it stresses almost everyone...one of my classes i just cant get...i'm not getting it...and iono...my parents are on me...you need to be in school..you cant drop the class and wait...i dont tell them how i'm doing...cause i dont wanna get the looks or the talks...the only reason i'm still in theis house is becuase there apying for my schooling...something that i dont even wanna do anymore...i have no drive anymore...no more will...i used to want to be in school..i had goals and plans...and i just havent the drive...i'm still trying..but only becuase of my parents...

Not having a job is stressful...i never have money...every place i try and get a job doesnt call me back or doesnt wanna work with me cause of school...it sucks..i have never had a job before cause i have alays just done school or i did alll volenteer work...and they dont see volenter work as anything they can use...it really sucks...i need a job so badly..if i had money i wouldnt be here i would be on my own...or i would have had a place with my cousin...and i would have been saving for a car...i would be doing alot....if i had a job now...i would be putting it aside to save..i mean hell..my rents arnt charging me to live here...i get free food shelter and clothing...well the clothing is when they see fit to give it to me...so i would be saving my money for when i could really get outta here...

My rents stree me out alot...they screen my phone calls...take my mail before i can see it..i have to be home by 2am...my friends cant com eover...or even to the door...they hate that i'm gay...one of the thing that scares me is that when i do move out i cant come back...when i have my gf i cant come home and be like omg look who i'm with..she makes me so happy...or when i get married...none of my family will come sept for maybe like 2 of my cousins...*sighs* when i have kids...they wont know there grandparents...its sucks...everything you would do with a famil with your family i cant and wont be able to do...and ionoo...i know thats alot down the line...but its something i think about...

My rents are on me again about a job...and they know i'm looking..i'm trying hard...believe me i want a job...i dont care what i'm doing...before they were really on me bout who i hang out with...now they don say much...but if o go out alot it always well who is it with...are you JUST friends????your JUST friends right??? You know what your doing is wrong and i wont have it under my roof...your sining and you know your in the wrong...

I know who i am and i know i'm not going to change...but they make me go to church...where i get looks...i have people wattching me to make sure i dont do anything...i cant bring friends cause they wonder why...and watch to see if i'll do something i can get in trouble for...it sucks...sometimes i want to bring a friend or a couple friends cause of something were doing...like when we go to knotts...or disneyland...or six flags...when we go on lil trips to the snow...i cant bring anyone along with out them thinking something...*sighs*

My family...i love them and they mean so much to me...but sooooo much is going on with them...so much drama that i get brought into cause i'm family...and now my 17 yr old sister is pregnant...my aunt is pregnant and she doesnt know who the dad is...again...both from the same men..her ex husband and her boy friend. *sighs* how my uncle could have sex with her knowing shes having sex with her bf...ewwwww!!!!....and my sister....she had sex with her best friend...and now he doesnt want anything to do with her now that shes pregnant...she doesnt even love the guy...

My cousin is helping me alot...but i'm so scared that when her boy frind comes home...i will never see her...or when i do i will have to deal with being the third wheel...i love talking to her...but i know there are some things she just wont understand...shes my cousin that supports me in almost everything i choose to do...she tells me all the time who when i get married and want kids she buying the turkey baster...*chuckles* aye my cousin. I love her though...i really do...she there when no one else is...and she put up with alot from me...i will always love her and have her back...anyone hurts her and they will have to deal with me...

ok i think i have babbled enough...i mean look at all that...i would be suprised if no one actually read through it all...i could get more out if i really wanted to..but i dont really feel like it...so i'll just leave it as is...

Love Peace and Hair Grease

Really please come and kill me...i dont know what to do anymore..i'm beyond stressed...beyond depressed...whythe fuck am i here??? I'm cryiong and i cant stop...i cant do this anymore..i dont want to do this anymore...i have so much going on with me and i dont know what to do...i have no one i can run to...no ones arms to fall into when i need to be help or a shoulder to cry on...i have no one and it hurts so bad...I'm so fucked up...i wonder why i'm alone and its times like these i can see why..i'm a fuck up..i always fuck up...and right now with everything going on i just dont want to deal with shit...i dont want to have to do this anymore...i'm sick of fighting...sick of feling like this..why???why do i have to feel like this...i help so many people...work out so many peoples problems...and yet i cant get that kind of help...i dont know how to deal with my own problems...i dont know how to deal with someone else helping me...i dont know what to do..i want so badly to give up...i want so badly to just say...i'm done..i dont want to do this anymore...i'm sick of feeling like this...why??? why is it no matter what i do i cant be happy??? why??? i dont want to do this anymore...i have put up with so much and what do i have to show for it? nothing... i dont know what to do...or how to make this better...i can give advice and help all these poeple...but i cant help myself...how pathetic am i??? i cant even hold onto a relationship...cant even hold on to love...so many people just give up on me...so why cant i? i'm nothing special...i'm nothing...no one...i dont matter...i just fuck up...i'm not needed...so why should i be here?

Iono...back into one of them sad moods...dont really know why...thats what upsets me so much...i get all sad and i dont know why...i mean shouldnt there be a eason you feel sad and down...I feel like this all the time...i can be sooo happy and then all of a sudden i feel like shit and i dont know why...and no its not my time of the month...these moods are buggin me big time..and i dont know how to make em stop...i'm feeling alot lately...sad...scared...worried...angry...sometimes happy...but thats when i talk to Erika or Rachel...Jan...Jenn or went i get to go out with my cuz...they make me feel so much better...Rachel doesnt know alot of whats goin on with me just about my diabeties...i havent told her anything else...i dont want her of all people to freak out...i'm starting to...no...correction...i like her...i know she wants to see me...she told me so..and i dont wanna screw that up...so she lives a lil farther then chris...but shes so worth the bus ride...i would go twice as far to go see her...i really would...theres just something about her...i really like her...she makes me smile...i dont care how i', feeling..she tells me hi and i smile...hell i see her picture and i get a grin on my face and my heart skips a beat...hell the first time i met her i was shaking...the only person i was like that with was my first ex...iono where this will go...or if it will even go anywhere...i just want to meet her again...talk...hang out...ya know...i aint looking for a fuck buddy or a friends with benifits...i dont do those...cuddly buddy yea...i mean everyone needs to cuddle sometimes...but with her...i wanna take her out....go to the movies...take her to eat...walk around and talk...i just wanna be near her...she has the most beauitful smile...and i love her voice...her laugh...is the cutest...shes so beautiful...and shes only 5'2" how cute is that...shes like the perfect size for me to come up behind and wrap my arms around her...the perfect size to hold in my arms...shes just perfect...*smiles* see how i get when i talk about her...*blushes* you should see me right now i have the biggest grin on my face....and whne i talk to her i cant stop smiling...she calls me cute and i blush and get all uhhh...ok ok i'll stop talking about her now...OMG just doing that...my mood has changed so much...i actually feel alot better...i feel happy....hehe...i think i'll text message her just to tell her i'm thinking about her...hehe...ttyl

Love, Peace, and Hair Grease

Ok so i got to hang out with my cuz yesterday....that was cool....i love my cuz!!! we chilled and stuff....got to relax...doc's orders....anyway...i have been good...taking my meds and relax'n, eating right...and i checked my blood today and it was 255..it went down a full 200.....thats like in 3 days...so wooo.....all i need is to get it below 120 and keep it there and i;m good to go...wooo go me....and i;m sure being with my cuz helped too...^_^ LOVE YOU CUZ!!!! I'm running around with her today..getting her chors dont and shit...so that will be cool...just hanging out...ok i better get showerd and dressed and i gotta call jenn...i dont know why but i'm gonna...

Love Peace and Hair Grease!!!

Well iwent to the docs...was kinda not feeling well for like two months..so yea..decided i should go...didnt want to though cause i figured it had to do with my diabeties and i was scared... Well i was right....the reason i havent been myself and feeling like shit for the past couple of months was becuase of my blood suger....it was over 400 when they checked it....he said the other problem was me not eating or sleeping...sleeping i cant really help....i just havent been able to sleep...and as for my eating...he says no matter what i have to eat even if its not a full meal...so know they got me on two different pills..and i have to go back to the docs every month to get looked at....

I went in becuase of my stomach..which i havent mentioned to anyone cause i didnt think it was anything..but for that past month...like started early january....my stomach has been weird...iono how to describe that one... he says thats from stress and lack of food....why the hell am i stressed??? ok i know why..is now alot worse too...so i'm trying to like calm it ua know...but thers alot of factor involved in that....

he doc says i have to keep going back to see him and if my suger lever doesnt lower soon...i may have to be doing something i dont wanna do for awhile...pills are one thing...but that...naw i aint doin to sticking myslef with a needle everyday..or whatever...

anyway..i'm sure alot of you dont really wanna read this or anymore...so i'll stop now...so yea..later

Love, Peace, And Hair Grease